I Don't Feel Nothing
by enitsirk
Summary: The war has been fought, lives have been lost, and people have been left behind. These people must learn to accept that those who had once always been there will never be again, until they meet on the other side. These people must learn to feel again.


I Don't Feel Nothing

The cold November wind whipped about the cobblestone street, making those outside pull their cloaks closer around their bodies, struggling to stay warm. The sky was bright blue, there was not a single cloud visible, as it should have been. There had been very little for the weather to celebrate. Now that the dark times were finally behind, the weather could rejoice with the people. These people who walked on this street had much to be thankful for. They had made it through; they no longer had to live in fear of coming home and discovering the all too familiar luminescent skull above their homes. The war was over.

There was much to celebrate, and also much to mourn. Freedom had come, but had a price. People lost loved ones, lives were uprooted. For some, anyone who had ever meant anything was dead. One man, a man of only twenty one, was one of these people. They had all known that they may not make it through the war; they had put themselves at the head of the danger. What they did not expect was the way the end had come… betrayal. It had been ten years since they had all met, and it was supposed to last longer. One decade was not enough. They were all supposed to grow old, have children with whom they could share stories about the good old days. But their plans had been foiled. Three were dead, one was in prison, and he, Remus Lupin, was the one left alone.

_Kody sat down on the avenue  
__And tapped his feet to the humming of the highway  
__He watched the light shine down on the broken glass  
__And thought, 'Well I don't got no reasons, yet.'  
__And there it is and there it was  
__Now it was clear to all of us  
__We kept this hat of broken dreams  
__And we pulled them out when we needed them around_

Remus stood in front of the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron, rubbing his hands together, wondering what had happened to his pair of gloves, before he remembered that he had lent them to Peter. Peter had never given them back, and he never would. He stuck his hands in his pocket and bent his head forward against the gale of bitter wind. Remus didn't know what to do with himself; he didn't know much of anything lately. His mind was empty, yet filled. His mind was empty of emotion, yet it was filled with thoughts, thoughts that should have reduced him to violent tears. He deserved to feel them, but he couldn't. He felt absolutely nothing.

He entered the warm pub, lit by a crackling fire. During the war there had hardly been any visitors to the establishment. No one had dared to come out for something as trivial as a drink with friends. It was too dangerous. Now the place was filled with guests, laughing, chatting merrily about the future, the wonderful days to come. Remus met a few of the glances, recognising the faces and offering a small nod. He knew what they were thinking, or what he thought they were thinking as he watched the faces fall into sympathetic expressions at the sight of him. _There goes Remus Lupin. The poor kid has nobody – parents dead, friends gone._ How had it come to this?

He took a seat at the bar, where the innkeeper, Tom, approached him. "How are you, lad?"

Remus knew there was no point in lying; he didn't even have the energy to. "I don't know."

"What can I get you?"

"Anything."

_So please hand me the bottle  
__I think I'm lonely now  
__And please give me direction  
__I think the hurt set in  
__And I don't feel nothing  
__Yet_

Remus accepted the mug of warm liquid from Tom, staring at it for a long time before deciding to drink it. He tried to get the buzzing around him to disappear, but he couldn't. He knew he should have stayed at home, that coming out was a bad idea. But he couldn't stand to be in his house another day, everything around reminded him of what he was trying to forget. Pictures lined his mantle, old possessions borrowed and never given back. Sometimes the air almost smelled like the past. There was no place to run, no place where he could go in peace. He knew this, and so he went to a place where there would be noise, hoping it would distract him. He had thought wrong.

"It may not feel like it now, but things will get better," Tom said, easily sensing what was going through his customer's mind.

"How do you know?" There was no accusation, no hope, in Remus's voice, simply a question.

"If you want them to, they will," was Tom's answer. Did Remus want things to get better? Of course he did, there was no way he could go on like this forever. His friends wouldn't want them to. James, Lily, Peter… they'd want him to move on. But he wasn't sure if he could. If he moved on, would that mean leaving them behind? Would he forget the times they had spent together, those times no longer reachable. He wanted so much for things to get better. He wanted to be able to laugh, to smile, to sleep peacefully at night. His friends wanted it too.

_There's a squeak hinge down at the back gate  
__It lets us know if he comes around  
__But I don't sleep that good anyway now  
__And if you've never heard that silence  
__It's a God awful sound_

Remus accepted another glass of whatever Tom had given him, on the house, and down it in two gulps. He could remember the last time he had been to the Leaky Cauldron. It had been shortly after his parents' deaths, almost a year ago. James, Sirius and Peter had been trying to bring out Remus, get him through. Sirius had suggested going for Firewhiskeys at the Leaky Cauldron. After a series of protests, the boys had managed to literally drag Remus all the way to Diagon Alley. It had been a bittersweet event that somehow turned into fun. They toasted to the memory of Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, reflected on the good people that they were, and they soon found themselves thinking of life after the war. Sirius had predicted that they would all become fabulously wealthy, a fancy of his when he was approaching a drunken state.

Sirius… how had he come to this? Only two Marauders survived, one of them incarcerated until his deserved death. Sirius had been the spy; Sirius was the one who sold Lily and James out to Voldemort. And Peter… Peter thought he could handle tracking down Sirius, to get revenge. He had not realised how hopeless it was, that he was no match for Sirius, the better wizard. He never dreamed Sirius was capable of betrayal; he had left the Black Family beliefs behind. They should have known… there must have been some sort of sign. If there had been one, they never saw it.

"Another?" Tom asked, taking away the empty mug.

Remus shrugged uncaringly. He vaguely wondered what his friends would think if they saw him now.

_So please hand me the bottle  
__I think I'm lonely now  
__And please give me direction  
__I think I just caved in  
__And I don't feel nothing  
__I don't feel nothing, no I don't feel nothing  
__There's nothing to feel good about here_

Remus downed the last glass, coughing at the taste it left in his mouth. Deciding that he'd better leave, that it was getting late, he left some money for Tom on the counter and headed back into the purple night. He had not been to Godric's Hollow, he couldn't bring himself to go to the scene, the last place two of his best friends had been alive. He couldn't bring himself to see the wreckage, the ruins that had once held the lives of people he had loved dearly. But if he couldn't do it now, when would he ever? He could not avoid visiting his friends' graves for the rest of his life. They had graves to see, unlike Peter, who had been reduced to nothing more than a single finger.

He thought it would be difficult to Apparate; he always had difficulty Apparating when he was full of emotion. But he wasn't. He was devoid of feeling and it scared him. But wasn't fear an emotion? If it was, maybe he was coming around. He didn't know. He had never been so unsure in his life. When he appeared on the familiar streets of Godric's Hollow, the storybook village, he felt something twinge inside of him. It had only been a few days since it happened, the cleanup had not yet commenced. People were too happy to concern themselves with it. Remus stared at the wreckage and felt his eyes sting. It was here that two of the best people he had ever known met their downfalls, leaving their son behind, and a friend who didn't know what to do.

_We don't much get down to the avenue  
__I could drive, but it takes so much to get there  
__Don't get off on all the broken glass, the Cadillac scene  
__Well, I've seen a lot of good things die  
__And I'm in an overemotional way_

They were twenty one. Twenty one wasn't long enough. Twenty one was no age to die. They had not yet lived, yet they had. They had fallen in love, gotten married, brought new life into the world, and were taken out of it only a year later. The war they had sworn to fight had cost them their lives, had cost their son the opportunity to be raised by two people who cared for him above all else. Remus knew children were left behind during wars, he could never imagine doing that himself… He could never bring himself to leave a child alone. Harry was not alone; however, he had family to live with. Only the family was so inadequate to the one he had been denied. Everything had gone wrong.

Finally a sob escaped him. His face crumpled, his fists clenched. He gritted his teeth, trying to bite back the cries fighting to come out. He couldn't break down… they wouldn't want him to. They would want him to stay strong. He felt nothing. He had felt nothing for days. He had felt nothing up until that very moment. Lily and James and Peter… they would want him to be happy. They would not want him to do what he was about to do. Remus looked around, and then upwards. He felt the stinging in his eyes increase. They wouldn't want to see him cry.

But they weren't here to see it.

_So please hand me the bottle  
__I think I'm lonely now  
__And please give me direction  
__I think the hurt set in  
__Please hand me the bottle now  
__I think I'm lonely now  
__I'm lonely now, I'm lonely now  
__Hold me now, hold me now  
__And please give me direction  
__I think I just caved in  
__And it ain't nothing_


End file.
